How to tell you’re a Blacksmith by Clifton Ralph

First, buy an Anvil and a bag of marbles.
After that, whenever you but another tool, leave a marble.
Buy a tool – leave a marble,…
Buy a tool – leave a marble.
When you have lost all your marbles,

Drink Coffee – Do stupid things faster with more energy!

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you lots of blacksmithing tools and that is pretty darn close.

How many blacksmiths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Eleven, one to screw it in and ten to spend two hours complaining to each other that they liked the old one better.

You know you’re a blacksmith if…

  • your boogers are black
  • your shirt is full of holes
  • you’re hearing impaired
  • you shave less than twice a week
  • it’s no big deal when you catch on fire
  • you don’t know your shop dog’s real color
  • your grandfather wasn’t a blacksmith
  • you never charge enough for your work
  • you stand around a fire when it’s 100 degrees in the shade
  • the dog in the scrap yard doesn’t attack you
  • one of your arms is bigger than the other
  • it rains coal dust when you scratch your head
  • “horseshoeing” means scaring them away
  • your idea of a family vacation includes a tool sale
  • you’re happy to get coal for Christmas

There are three types of blacksmiths:

  1. Those who have set themselves on fire
  2. Those who will set themselves on fire
  3. Those currently on fire!

List of Shop Tools

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh—’

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL : Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMN-IT TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘DAMN-IT’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.